The Time Warp Again-
"It was in the middle of Lauren's ballad "Dat thing" that Gino sauntered in with a big grin. He wore a pair of plastic green pants and a tight black T-shirt, oil stains smudged his smooth arms and face. His blonde hair was in disarray, and my only thought was he either just got off work or he'd been blowing the guys at the gas station again. He had a nasty tendency to take the term 'full service' to the extremes"
When I Fight Authority, Authority Always Wins-
"What did you do to Eric?" he asked in a frightened tone.
"First let me ask you this, have you ever been laid bareback in the cab of an 18 wheeler Mac truck, using your flannel shirt as a blanket?" I asked with a Cheshire cat grin.
"Hell no!" he exclaimed confused.
"I bet Eric has." And then I started laughing really hard.
"Why are you doing this to them?" his waify voice blared at me
I sat up in bed. "You know why. Because they were rude to you and needed a lesson. Well, that was the reason in the beginning, then it was because I was bored... then because they're like really hot, but I think when I write the book I'll say it was because I felt that I was somehow giving something back to society."
*******************
"How do I look?" Gino asked me archly as he descended the staircase.
"Like the illegitimate love child of Tinkerbell and Captain Hook." Gino was wearing a shiny disco ball shirt and a pair of white pants. His dark Italian skin was covered with sparkles.
"Hey, screw you," he laughed.
"You going to another club tonight?"
He looked at me like I was a complete idiot. "No, I get dressed like this to go over my taxes." His face was so serious when he said it that it cracked me up.
"Who's your accountant, Diana Ross?"
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And just when things couldn't get any weirder, down the stairs trudged Red wearing only a pair of tighty whites. His imposing burly frame dwarfed both Gino's large gym muscle and Foreman's bulky football weight. He lumbered uninterestedly through the shocked tableau of me and Gino gawking at Foreman and his little dominatrix in training. The man was so unobservant. He stalked on thunderously heavy feet into the kitchen like a sleepwalking bear.
I turned to Gino in a completely casual tone and said, "Gino, did forget to pay the Twilight Zone repellant bill, this month?"
Gino didn't miss a beat he just stared forward and said, "Shit, I thought you were going to get it."
"I take you guys didn't know Brian was gay?" Foreman asked.
"Or that he had been shopping at the Gap for Sadomasochists," I pointed out.
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"We threw Mark out before you got here, and we've never talked about it with you. How would you know anything about that?" I could see the wheels turning behind his eyes.
"Would you believe magic?" I said hopefully.
"Yeah, like you saw it your crystal fucking ball?" he said flatly. You know when he was straight, he wasn't this damn witty.
"Oh you'll believe that I can turn those troublemakers at your gym into happy little gay gym rats and make Brian into the queer prisoner of Zenda ...but a crystal ball you're having trouble with?"
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I was not going to let them throw me into the river and see if I'd float ...that's for damn sure.
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WATERLOO-
"Tell ya what," came a heavy voice from the end of the bar, "I'll turn on the gas for ya if ya promise to kick me out of the nearest high rise window." Deana smiled at the joke and walked toward the disembodied voice.
At the end of the bar sitting in the shadows was a cute college age guy with dark hair and bangs that hid his eyes. It seemed like his baggy black shirt was hiding a tight build but as he was almost completely slumped over the edge of the bar in misery she couldn't tell. "What do you have to complain about you DECIDED to drink here, I'm the one who has to punch a clock to keep these roaches company..."
The guy put his head up and looked around for what must have been the first time since he came in, "yeah this place is a dive." He agreed and then slumped quickly back down in disinterest. "When you said roaches were you talking about insects or clientele?" he asked worriedly eyeing the floor.
*****************************
"I think I'm some kind of magnet!" He said darkly with a look of universal impatience.
"Huh?" She asked confusedly.
"If there is a homophobe in the tri-county area I'll find him and he'll mouth off in front of me.... It's like some kind of god damned curse. It's like ignorant straight boys fucking see me coming!" He was almost yelling now. " I mean I made a promise and I planned to keep it but it's like I have this sign that says, "All Bastards please spew your opinions here.""
Deana looked at him skeptically, "honey, I think you're flagged."
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The hot little Latin hairdresser was dressed only in a pair of Cutoff Shorts and a sheer tank top. His red tinted hair glinted with sparkles and he looked devastatingly sensual as usual, "Good evening Gabriel." Damien said patiently.
"Listen here nosferatu don't roll your eyes up in your head like that, I am not like those easy going queens you live with. I will wupp your white ass. I was just sayin that for once you look hot, Sarah Plain and Queer."
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"You know there are things about me that you people don't know." Damien said darkly his eyes getting the dark mysterious cast they took on when he was being cryptic.
Gabriel gave him a bitchy look, "honey if your talking about that tired red robe in your closet and the virgins you've been sacrificing in the backyard on fool moons, We know and frankly we think you need to see a shrink. " They all laughed at his joke.
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"If ya didn't know, my name's Deana and the Waterloo is my dive!"
The crowd went wild; guys were screaming and clapping.
"So if you have a problem with the service, or the booze or anything at all, don't be afraid to come right here to the source herself and tell me how you feel!" she smiled beatifically making the layers of sparkle eye shadow around her eyes seem even more radiant, "And then I will personally see to it that...you are thrown the fuck OUT!"
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I Put A Spell On You
Oh, well it's not like I had anything planned for the day except research. I could easily run across the street grab a bag of cheeto's and start trying to translate these ridiculously long French astrological calculations back into their original latin. It's one thing to translate one language into your native tongue but trying to translate your 4th language into a dead language made my head swim. Hey, but that's why I'm a child genius. I know the generally excepted term is Geek but I do prefer child genius.
I was still debating on weather or not I should scrape the fuzz of the back of the freezer and scrape it on some toast when the phone rang, "College Boy Taxidermy, You snuff 'em we stuff 'em."
"....Damien I wish you wouldn't answer the phone like that, people from work might be calling me."
"Gino Why are you calling the house phone? I swear if your calling me from your cell to tell me to bring your god damn coffee to you while your in the shower again...I'm going to bring you the coffee and a plugged in blow driver." I grumbled. "I'm not your god damn house boy you know."
He chuckled a little on the other side of the line. "Now there's a mental picture."
*************************
I was happily snoozing the morning away when I was unceremoniously disturbed by pure evil in biker shorts.
"Gino I just had this great idea and had to ....oh my gawd! How'd you get in here?"
I propped my head up just enough to look at him through one squinted eye. "A rather novel idea Eddie, I used the door. The concepts a little difficult and might elude you... You just grab and pull."
Eddie looked at me from behind a beatific face twisted into a shallow grimace, "I thought people had to say your name three times and spin in a circle or something."
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"Oh Yeah? What's with this whole mysterious figure bullshit? And the limbo? Huh? You just couldn't take the guy out to a cup of coffee or a beer? I find people take this sort of thing much better over a beer."
The first large Figure brushed himself off insulted, "some of us Justin take this a little more seriously then others, alright?"
Justin gave his friend a skeptical look as they both padded off toward the light, "You know what that needed? That needed a giant head and a man behind a curtain!"
"Shuddup."
"No," Justin continued, "And instead of testing the little bastard you should have just put on a pink gown and simply asked, "are you a good witch or a bad witch?""
"shuddup."
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HEXFILES: BROAN OVA BRAYNS
It's not like my position here is really necessary. If the damn caterer had thought ahead and invested in beers with twist off caps, I wouldn't have a damn thing to do.
"Oh Thank God at least the bartender's Hot." I heard a very forceful feminine voice say from behind me.
I put the glass I was polishing down and turned. Oh good I get the opportunity to be hit on by yet another naive heterosexual girl. I mean aren't these girls supposed to be in law school? They're powers of deduction and reason are a little under developed if they're hitting on me.
I'm young.
I'm impeccably kept from my clean fingernails to my very discreetly styled eyebrows.
Add that to the 220 lbs of six foot obsessively built muscle and my boy like charm.
Yes, counselor the bartenders a fag, a big ole Mary to be exact -bark up another tree baby you ain't got the bone I'm looking for
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A wicked look played across his face. He brought his hands up and caressed both their jawlines, and in a harsh feigned accent he said "BIe...GG...EhR!" And then laughed bobbing away, "Be careful driving home...." and then spoke again in that guttural fake accent "White men from town ..."
As Kyle and Chris climbed limply into the jeep, The guy in red slipped on his fireball ball cap and began to glide away on swift dancing feet,..."Back in business, and ain't it grand...let the good times roll..." His melodic baritone wafted passed the window....
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"The Barber gave him a quizzical look and then asked "so what do you want me to do?"
"Uh Cut my hair" Kyle grunted back.
Another long pause.
The barber rolled his eyes, "how do you want me to cut it?" He asked patiently.
Kyle fumbled with the thought for a moment and then craned his neck to look at Chris for help. Chris just shrugged his big shoulders, his delts rippling under the fabric of his wind breaker.... "er...With scissors I guess."
The barber sighed irritably, "Look kid how do you usually get you hair styled." he said slowly.
Kyle baulked at that- he tried to remember his last haircut but it seemed as if he couldn't get passed anything that happened before that morning. He strained his thought, his eyes full off concentration.
.
*****************************************
Flex swung the door open, Outside their apartment stood a young man dressed in a red t-shirt and fire red trousers, "Avon calling."
Flex said simply, "We don't know nobody named Avon."
The Blonde stared him up and down and patted his cheek affectionately, "you're not too bright, " He paused, "I like that In a man...now Cri...er...Flex....why don't you give me and Crunch here a minute or two of privacy."
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"He said we should warn you..."
"About what." Gino asked absently examining the swell of their huge backs above their impressively small waists.
"He told us to tell you," crunch started in his throaty voice, and then continued haltingly, using all his mental effort to remember the simple instructions, "That We're so dumb... that It took a fire in the school to get us outa the Third Grade."
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HEXFILES: RIPPED LEE'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT
“Judging from your lithe shape and thick legs…and lack of any text book…I’d say Soccer?”
“Yeah…and proud of it.”
“And that’s basically all you really are deep down… just another preppy, little, broad generalization, defined by your attitude and attire. So I do know you …or enough about you. At any rate.” He looked at the window and said more to himself, “It seems that being unique is the ecclesiastical burden of a select few.”
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Heart turned to the bouncer, “I’ll tell you man. The marvels of modern science. A couple of drugs…some elective surgery and a lot of time… it’s like Magic.”
“Oh, I’d have to disagree…”
The Doctor, the bouncer and the two boys all turned to the door of the room.
In the doorway, a figure stepped forward, “Is this the way to the Men’s room?”
Dr. Heart answered in a brutal voice, “You’re in the wrong place man!”
A smile stretched across the stranger’s face, and two brilliant blue eyes twinkled beneath his black ball cap, “Oh, but I think not.”
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“Tread carefully. The only reason you’re not a potted fern right now, desperate trying to convert sunlight into chlorophyll is because I’m feeling merciful.”
“what…?” Where was that damn button?
The man in Black’s eyes grew distant and his brow sank into a dark scowl. “It gives me great comfort to know that there are darker souls then mine, that tread the night of this world. Doctor.”
Of fuck the button! Heart spat, “This isn’t over… I’ll find you motherfucker… “We’ll meet again.”
The black cap nodded and the face was a mystery underneath, “Yes. Most likely in Hell.”
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